13 posts tagged “friend”

My family is leaving the house at about six this morning (about 6 hours away from now actually). They are travelling to Rhodes (Greece you know, right?) for a vacation that I, for several different reasons (don't make me tell them to you, it'll only make me seem like a total bitch/spoiled brat), chose to not join. In total they will be gone for a week, and I will have the whole house for myself during this time.

In a way it's going to be nice. See I am used to being alone, used to have more privacy that I sometimes know what to do with and the freedom to toss my stuff all over the place without anyone getting bothered. Living by myself has taught me these things, and well as they say "old habits die hard" (or perhaps in this case, not so old habits). I am certainly looking forward to having the bathroom at my full disposal (5 people on one bathroom is way to many if you ask me...but no one ever did), and to be able to eat what I want when I want.

But here people, we have a problem as well as someting to be happy about. You all know by now I suspect, that food is both my best friend and my worst enemy. And that when I am bored, I eat. Being alone makes me bored, and so you see where a problem might occur (ne?). See sometimes I don't know if I can trust myself to be strong enough, and I want to look slim and nice when they come home (I am working in changing myself since I will start a new class in the fall), and I will not do that if I spend the week eating everything that's in the fridge and freezer just because I can. It never feels as satisfying as you think it will anyway, all it does it make me feel like crap about myself, like a failure once again.

And I can't take that feeling sitting alone in a house that's usually filled with people. I just can't. When I'm alone I think a lot, and so I must try to keep my mind on positive thing this week. Otherwhise I will go mad, and you guys are the ones that'll have to take the bitching (which I guess that you're used to buy now, but still it can't be fun).

Not good. So instead I will have fun. I will finish watching Boys before flowers (good looking guys have a positive affect on me, too bad there aren't more of them in my life for real) and I will try to exercise a little and meet some friends. To pass the time, and because they are almost as bored as I am (almost, not quite though I think).
That's my plan, do you guys think that it'll work out? I hope so anyway. Good luck to me.

Matane guys! (^ - ^) Take care!

...but people aren't made to be by themselves. We, like all the other animals, are made to be in pairs or groups. Loneliness isn't a strength, needing people make you vulnerable but also strong. With the gathered strength of the ones around you, there is nothing you can't do.

You guessed it, it's one of those posts again. It has been a while since I wrote about it, because I guess there has been other stuff that's felt more important (he he, or something, it's not like there is a lot on this blog that's important for real), but I am still as single and desperate as ever. I have hoped for change so many times, but so far nothing has happened. You know all of this, and you know that I am fine with it most of the time (it happens when it happens you know, I believe this 9 times out of 10, or maybe not that often but irregardless often enough to get by).

But you also know that there are moments when things aren't fine, when it gets a little too much for me. These moments are rare enough so that they aren't a problem and they tend to pass quite quickly, but sometimes a lingering feeling stays inside my head.

It's the summer that does it (at the moment anyway). Couples seem to be everywhere (or perhaps it's just that my brain notices them at the moment, I really couldn't tell), and they all seem to be perfectly happy. Their world seem to be in order and all their issues seems to be packed up somewhere deep inside never to be looked at again. And even though I know that this is not true, that a guy would (/does) not magically fix other issues (such as body image and stuff, you know my messed up mind so I will not get into that now) I can't help but to think that it'd help.

Also (and this might sound strange but whatever), I just want someone close. I want someone to hold me, to feel another persons body next to mine. Love is in the little things, I want that.

*Sigh* is it really too much to ask?

It's like Ella Wheeler Wilcox says:
When you laugh; the world laughs with you.
When you weep; you weep alone.

This is so true, and you never feel it as clearly when you feel like you're alone in a crowd. I have my family and I love them so much that there isn't even words for it, but it's not the same thing. Also I have my friends, and I love them too; but neither of these relationships give me what a relationship with a guy would (naturally, and not just the psycal part, but it's a different kind of connection too).

I realize as I am correcting the spelling misstakes (don't you just love spell-check?) that this post is very blue. But don't worry about me please, I am really fine. It's just my mind that plays tricks on me in the middle of the night again. Everyone is lonely sometimes, and I have wished for a boyfriend for such a long time now that I am used to the feeling. I'll be fine. Promise.

Take care guys. Matane.   

Who do you tell your secrets to?

Most of the time, no one.

Okay, it's more like this: I have no secrets. But if I had, and I would tell anyone, it'd be my best friend Michaela.

New place6

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I know that I can trust her, that she'll keep it to herself. Plus, we are so much alike that telling her really is like telling yourself (ha ha, yeah for real).

She can tell me everything too. And I think (and hope) that she knows this.

See I don't have a lot of friends (I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me or anything, I have chosen it myself and I have enough of them to be happy), but the ones I do have are precious to me. I would do almost everything to keep her safe and happy. Loyalty is an important trade in my book.

Geees. This post turned really serious. I didn't mean it to. He he, I'd better say goodbye now.

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane!

1. Coffee - Like so many others I can't get up in the morning without it. If I don't get to drink it among the first things I do, nothing gets done properly.
2. My computer - I feel slightly handicapped when I don't have it for some reason. Like the world is moving on without me or something like that. You have to keep in touch, to hear and be heard, you know. 
3. My cellphone - For the same reasons really. To keep in touch with people.
4. J-pop - Because it makes me happy to listen to it (even though I don't understand more than like one or two words per song) and to watch performances and such on Youtube (thanks! to everyone that uploads such videos). And also, of course, because the guys that sings it are sooooooo hot!
   
5. Facebook - Perhaps not as much now when I am on summer vacation, but I'm still on F-book more than most. If you don't document something there, it doesn't exist. I know, my generation's horribly needy for the attention of others.
6. Money - I suppose most/all people are. But what can I say, I love to buy things.
7. Friends - If I am to be serious for a moment, I am not made to be alone. No one is of course (no matter what people say), and I am fine with it sometimes (I even like it), but over all I am a very sociable person that loves to spend time with others.
   
   Those were all that I could think of for now I guess...Hm, yep.
   
   Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane! 
   

(You have to read all of this to get it, so I apologize in advance about the fact that it goes on and on forever.)

What turned out to be a complete mess in the end started on April 3rd, or 4th if you choose to see it like that (I know, it's a long time ago, but you'll see why that's a part of the mess). My best friend Michaela was in Scotland with her cousin, and I was going to go out with some classmates. We were suppose to be most of the class, but somehow it ended up only 5 people; one which we met whence we went out.

Anyway so we decided to meet at a guy's - let's call him V - house to have a little pre-party. At first I wasn't going to go because, as you might know, even though I am quite a grown up girl I usually don't really drink a lot, and so I don't actually need any alcohol before I go out. But my curiosity over how he lives (that really says a lot about people) and my will to be sociable made me do so anyway.

Another classmate - let's call her E - brought wine. Rosé, one liter, and we shared. After 0,5 liter wine (and a little beer that V gave me but I didn't finish, because I don't like beer) I was everything but sober. Happy yes, not feeling bad in any way, but not at all sober. This was when we left V's home.

Okay then we went to this (I guess you can call it a) club. I had two cider and a shot (what kind I don't know, I didn't really care by then) before the night was over and we were to go home. Since E lives quite a bit from Lund I offered her to sleep on my fold out couch. V doesn't live very far from the club (we walked from his house there and it took only about 10-15 minutes, I don't remember exactly), but he was very drunk and asked if it was okay if he slept at my place too. Since I am very nice and open minded when I drink, I say yes (very happily, I might add).

When we came to my place, E laid down on the fold out couch (which I had a little trouble folding out in my drunken state). She didn't feel that great. Anyway, V and I sat down on my bed and all 3 of us talked for like an hour or something. Some time during this hour V put his arm around my shoulders.

Here it might be fitting to add that V's not the kind of guy that I'd like when sober. Not sober, however, I was completely fine with him being so close. It was comforting to have someone holding me like that, because I have never felt that before (and I have sort of missed it for a long time). I felt safe, and happy, and so I sat still; some time during the hour he took a hold of my hand (and I held his).

The time came to sleep (it was like 3.30 a.m or something) and for some reason V laid down in my bed. This was not the idea from the beginning, I had figured that he would sleep next to E on the fold out couch, but I did not protest at all. Instead I laid down beside him.

You see where this is going, don't you? Well it's not as bad as it sounds. I mean I slept with him, but I didn't sleep with him if you know what I mean? (You do, don't you? Please don't make me say it.)

We made out though. Yep. After coming closer and closer in the bed he made the first move, and even though I wouldn't have done it, I didn't mind at all. Since it was my very first kiss (poor guy, I probably wasn't very good at all), I heard the small voice that was my sensibility say "Oops" somewhere inside my head. But that went quiet very soon. I liked it, I can't say anything else than that (I absolutely don't want you guys to think that he used me in any way, I was just as guilty as him), and so I let it continue (he was sweet, he told me that I should just say so if I wanted to stop).

I fell asleep with his arm around me, and I must say that it was the best nights sleep that I've had in a long time. He he, or not that I slept a lot, because I was drunk and I woke up at like 6 to go pee (over share, sorry about that guys), but still I felt safe like I have almost never done before.

Anyway, now to the part that became a problem (ha ha, yep now we get to the important part, I told you that it was going to be a long post). I wasn't really that embarrassed about what I had done. Things happen you know, and well we didn't do anything wrong (since neither of us has a boyfriend or girlfriend), BUT...

I chose not to tell Michaela (V and E and me were the only ones that was suppose to know). Because I know what she thinks about people that can't hold their liquor and therefore does stupid things, and I was afraid that she was going to think that I was pathetic and skanky and that it would damage our friendship. Now I know that that thought only was to rationalize my own cowardness (I didn't know how to tell her as much as I didn't want to).

This was the end of it. V (that's the guy, you're keeping up right?) spoke to E and we were all in on that nothing was going to leave my apartment. Or this is what I thought (and that was why I figured that it was safe to keep it from Michaela).

Nothing happened, and I thought that I was out of the woods. Then came April 30th, Walpurgis day, and more alcohol (that does seem to be the root of the problem, doesn't it...but don't think that I am an alcoholic or anything, what made it all messed up is not what I did, it's that I didn't tell her).

Most of the day it was calm. V almost blew it when he decided that he needed to apologize to me for what happened, but it was all right so far. He disappeared away to meet some other friends and I could breath again. Until C showed up (there's a lot of letters now, I know, but I don't want to use their names, since I don't know what they'd think about the fact that I tell you guys about this).

C never ever speaks to anyone (he's an arrogant little guy; kind of cute, but arrogant). When he's sober that is. When he's drunk he speaks to everyone. To much. And apparently V had told him about what happened; and the thought that it'd be hilarious to tell Michaela. E tried to stop him, and he didn't have the chance to say anything really revealing, but he said that he was going to tell her when we had class on Monday.

He wouldn't have done that (because he doesn't speak to people, not a lot anyway), but in our drunken state both me and E thought that he would. We panicked. Because if he had told Michaela, she would never have spoken to me again. So I did what I thought was right, and I took her aside to tell her. 3 weeks to late.

I don't know what I had expected, how I had imagined her reacting, but it went very badly. She was so disappointed, the trust that she had in our close friendship was broken. Because every single conversation we'd had had been a lie, there had been something that I had held from her. Something that she wasn't valuable enough to know.

Now I understand that she reacted like this. Some people (including E) thought that she over reacted, but I understand. Trust, loyalty and honesty is a huge deal in our world, and she felt that if I hadn't told her this, what else was there that I hadn't said? We sat still on the grass for a while. I was crying and apologizing and she didn't even look at me.

I thought that it was over. That the best friend that I had ever had was gone forever. I cried for most of the Friday, and after trying to call her to apologize again I was sure that it was all over. Never could I have imagined that I would feel so completely broken down. Michaela is the my lifeline down here, she's the only one that I have, and I thought that I had lost that never to get it back again.

That was when I wrote the post next to last. When I thought that I would be alone, completely alone for a long time in the future. No one to really talk to, no one that laughs at my kind of messed up humor, no one that shared what I come from, memories from school and such. I am aware of the fact that it sounded dramatic, but in my world it was. Most of the day I laid on my couch, staring at the computer or outside the window, not knowing what to do with myself.

Getting up on Saturday was amongst the hardest things I have done. Because if I got up, I had to deal with the day alone and the idea that every day in the future might be the same. But I got up, and after knowing that I had gotten some money from my parents I tried to shop away my worries. It didn't work.

Then Michaela texted me, saying that we needed to sort things out before Monday (the lesson). I was relieved, but at the same time I was so scared. Scared that she would tell me that she couldn't forgive me, that she would say that we needed to part and go our separate ways. It would have crushed me, I have no idea where I would be now if she had said that (probably still on this couch, crying), and this fear held all of me so hard that I could barely breath.

We met. We sat down on the grass (different grass) and we talked. I begged for forgiveness and cried again and she listened and said a few things. She was still disappointed, she probably always will be a little, but she said that she can ignore it. That if I tell her everything from now on, it'll be all right.

I have never been more relieved. Because after that we smiled, I told her from beginning to end what had happened and she teased me a little (I have granted her the right to he he). We laughed at the same jokes as we've always done and talked about the same things.

It's back to normal. Our friendship might be a little sensitive to "disasters" at the moment, but we will be fine.

This drama spread ripples too. E got worried, because she felt that it was her fault that we fought (which it absolutely wasn't), since she was the one to encouraged me to tell Michaela and V got worried that he'd had a part in destroying mine and Michaela's friendship (which he hadn't). I tried to tell E that it wasn't her fault at all and that V didn't really have any part of the blame either. It wasn't what I did, it was that I didn't tell her.

This is the only thing I think about now (when everything has worked out), that they felt so bad too. I think that E is over it, now that it's okay, but I hope that V is too (she told him what had happened, and that it has worked out too). He is a nice guy (I like him, but not like that, even though I made out with him, that was just something that happened) and he shouldn't think that at all.

I think I have told you everything now.
And I wonder to myself if anyone has the energy to read all of this post.
Congrats to that person, in that case.

Next post will be of more normal length.    

...and now I have no idea how to fix it....

Perhaps you can't tell if you don't know me. Because I try not to show it, try not to be that head-case that goes all up and down without any apparent reason. But I am. My emotions play me sometimes, and they control me quite often. I can feel great one moment, and shitty the next (yeah I know, it sounds like constant PMT). He he, perhaps that sounds like a hard thing to handle. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's a part of who I am, who I have become. As Edith Piaf said "Je ne regret rien" (I don't regret a thing), I would not go back to when I was younger and try to become a different person, a less emotional one. For better or worse I love the one I am. Not all the time, no one loves themselves all the time, but over all. Even though there are a lot of people that seem to have easier, happier or more eventful lives than me, I would never give up what I am to be those people.

So at least I am confident as the nut-job person that I am, that's good right? I think so at least. Confidence is key people, don't forget that. Anyway, back to my emotions (which was, after all, the subject of this post). You all know that my biggest dream is to become a writer (right?), and I think that my emotional nature fits that "role" perfectly. After all artists of all kinds are notorious for being a little moody and over all slightly odd. And I don't mind that, I like being odd (if you haven't understood that yet). In fact I love it.

Sure sure, sometimes when I am really upset over something that's not even an issue to begin with (but that turns into one because I think to much about it and build it up to a disaster in my head) I wish that I wasn't like this. But hey, as I said, no one can love themselves all the time. You take the good with the bad and you live with it as happy as you possibly can. That's all that you can really strive for anyway.

Moi

Today was a good happy day. I'm getting my wisdom teeth, and that gives me a really annoying headache (you know the kind that barely hurts rather just makes you feel that you have a head...or do you know?). But I can live with that, it'll pass sooner or later.

I talked to my family (my mum), which always makes me happy, and I spent some time with my best friend (Michaela). Day well spent. 

Also today was "pay day", if you can call it that when you borrows a huge part of the money from the state (meh, I will pay off those debts for a very long time), which meant that I could restock my fridge. Which is turn makes me happy. I am a girl, I like to buy things, even if it's just food.

Ha ha. Ups and downs guys. Ups and downs. I can't even explain me to me, so don't ask me to explain me to you. Suppose that there are some reason for me being like I am, but whatever that is I don't care. The crazy me that you have gotten to know is the one I am going to live like. Take it or leave it.

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane! 

This band called Immanu El is playing at a place near my house, and me and Michaela are going there to see them. Nice for us huh? Nice for me.

Some of you guys (or probably most of you by now) know that I am not the most outgoing person when it comes to these kind of stuff. This has been a "problem" for me, because it's hard to meet new people when you sit at home with the tv as your only company.
But now, people it's time to take a hold of myself and my life, to venture out in the world.

Ha ha! I am happy that we decided to do this, I need more people in my life. It's going to be fun, I am going to go into it with that in mind (for once) and I am going to make it fun no matter what (or at least almost no matter what). 

Anyway, I'll give you a status rapport tomorrow so...

Peace out guys! (^ - ^) Matane!

Most girls are very "touchy feely" with their friends. They hug when they see each other and again when they leave, they say cute/concerned things like "I am here for you" and "How are you feeling?", they borrow each others clothes and talk for hours on the phone about their guy problems.

I am not this kind of girl, not this kind of friend. Never do I hug (almost never anyway, and if I do believe me it's not my initiative) or ask a friend how she feels. Neither would I tell her how I feel, definitely not talk about guy problems (well I don't have any, since I don't have a bf, but if I did I wouldn't discuss it anyway). Sorry, but NO, I couldn't do stuff like this, not in a million years (the day I start to I think it's time for a psyche exam...because then I'm not myself anymore).

Even if I don't do any of these things though, I am a "all in" kind of friend. If you have me on your side, you have me there no matter what. I'd get dressed an leave home in the middle of the night if a friend needed me, without thinking a second. I am the most important person in my life (I think everyone needs to be, how can you help someone else if you haven't taken care of yourself first?) but after that I'd protect a friend in a heartbeat (and family of course, but that's not what I am talking about right now so...). Loyalty is a very important quality in my book, I don't care how obsolete it may seem. I want my friends to be loyal to me, and they will receive it in return.

My best friend, Michaela, is going back home to Trollhättan for a funeral next week. Her grandfather died, and well this is an example on what I do instead of uttering the usual "How are you feeling?". I say: "Oh....that sucks. But at least you got to see him when he was well. What's on tv tonight?".

Useless huh? It is, you can say it, but it's what I do. It's the kind of person that I am, the kind of friend. See that "Oh...that sucks", comes from my heart. I am not emotional (openly that is, as you all know sometimes I am very emotional in private), and so I can't really say these nice emotional things. Michaela knows this, and so does my other friend (back in Trollhättan) Cornelia. Lucky me.

Okay so I don't quite know what I wanted to say with this post. Perhaps that I will be alone all of next week, and that I will bee fine, or perhaps that I am a good but strange person. Or perhaps I just wanted to make some time pass. I'd bet on the last reason, knowing myself (I never have a deep meaning with anything I do). 
Kudos to anyone who managed to read it all.

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane!

What challenges in life have you conquered and emerged from a better person?
Sponsored by Nature Made.

Well okay compared to a lot of people out there I haven't really overcome any huge challenges. I mean I have had an easy life over all, I have been healthy, I have friends and a family that loves me and I am smart. So I guess that I shouldn't have anything to say about this question...but I am going to say something still.

When I was in Junior high school I had really high demands on myself. Really high. And they came from myself, not from anyone else, so they were hard to ignore. Nothing more than an A+ (or MVG as the highest grade is called in Sweden) was good enough, not a week went by without me having at least one meltdown (small or big) about not being as good as I was "suppose" to be.

When I finished the 9th grade one of my teachers told me that if I continued like I had been I might get bountied. I don't think I understood how serious he was back then, but now I do...and I don't want to think about how it might have ended if I had continued like when I was 16.

Starting upper secondary school I soon (soon being after a few months) became friends with Michaela, and that helped me a lot I think. She's much more laid back than I am, and I went from studying 5 hours a day to a much more healthy level.

I still have very high demands on myself, I expect to be the best in everything (academic) that I do (and often I succed if not to be the best so at least at the top of the pack), but it works in a different way now. No matter how hard it might be for some people around me to believe, I am a much more relaxed person now. In many ways I am much more of a kid now than I was back then, and I think that makes me a better person.

If you just breath a little, things will work out (I actually get better grades now that I'm not so stressed out about it). I learned that, I conquered myself and I came out okay in the other end. And I am happy that I did.

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane!