78 posts tagged “happy”
I think I had one too many last night.
That's what my head tells me at least...
But still, I feel good. Over all life is great at the moment, and I am looking forward to just relaxing and maybe having some kind of seriously decadent food today (cheating on the once a week is fine we said, and when you're hungover it doesn't really count anyways...)
As usual it's grey outside, but since I'm not going to venture out in it I don't really care. Actually it can be quite nice when it's sort of dark and rainy when you get to stay inside, be warm and just look at it from your safe haven behind the window.
So I'm smiling to myself, looking at my friend who's sleeping in my bed (she a lot more hungover than me, but it doesn't bother me at all that she's here, I'm happy to take care of her) and wishing you all a very very...
Sure I fill my days with more serious studies, I live on my own and do things like wash and buy groceries and pay bills and I entertain myself with adult things like alcohol and staying out all night (well not all night, but you get the picture right?)...
...but still I feel so much more like a child than I did back when I was like 14-15-16.
Does that sound strange?
Well I know that it might, so I'll explain it to you (or I'll attempt to at least...)
Back then (when I was 14-16, or something like that), everything was terribly serious. I took myself very seriously, my studies was the world I lived in and every acting silly or showing a potentially quirky side was out of the picture. Because it was so important to be the good one, the one that had it all figured out and that you could go to with all academic questions...In my school I was the head of the student council and a member or the board for school issues together with teachers and the headmaster.
And I thought I had it all figured out. I knew what my opinion was on most important issues, I had an idea of the world; of what you did and didn't do, of what I did and didn't do. It all seemed to be in order, I figured that I pretty much knew how things worked. I was controlled and ordered and would probably have taken care of a "household" (if you can call it that when it's just me) in a much more organized way than I do now.
I am happy that I was like that then. There is no part in my life that I would take back, because every single moment has taught me something and above all every single moment has taken me to where I am now. But being like that then makes it that much clearer how different it is from who I am now.
That girl didn't play like I do now. That girl didn't laugh at silly things in the same way or say stuff that might sound stupid just because she didn't think before she opened her mouth. She didn't let herself being ecstatic because she saw a hare in the grass when she was on a walk or smile even though a test might not have went exactly as great as she hoped.
It took some time but I know now that it's fine to not be the best all the time. I still hate it a little but I have learned not to let it get to me, to be more free.
To be more like a child, not worrying about things so much. There is a tomorrow for some things, sometimes it's all right to just be in the moment and not obsess about everything that should be or that isn't. It's not a weakness to let someone else be better or to let people see you for the one you really are. It makes me happy to be open and talkative and sometimes say downright odd or dumb things, and I know now that it's fine if people see that. You don't have to be serious and smart all the time.
So there you pretty much have it. I hope I have been able to explain it to someone. That this is why I think I am More of a Child now than I was when I was younger.
Because I can be effortlessly happy.
I can be myself in the moment.
And when it happens it's a joy of someone much more innocent.
Or really over 30.000 even, because I had to get a new visitors counter when the last one hit 10.000 (because I managed to get one that only had 4 digits). There's a lot of blogs out there that has higher counts than that, heck there's a lot of blogs out there thas has higher counts than that a day, but for me...it's a a high number. I mean it's 30 thousand hits (!), 30 thousand individual humans (or sorts of, some of you come back of course) that klick on my blog to read my thoughts about life, love, school, music, movies and other random-ness.
When I started blogging (quite a few) years back, I never thought that so much people would be interested in what's happening in my life. I've never really thought about myself as an interesting person. Not boring perhaps, I'm much to strange to be boring, but not really anything special enough to read about. My life is the one of an ordinairy teenager (well not a teenager anymore, but it was when I started), nothing I say or do is remotely special compared to some people that I know (or know of). Sure I consider myself to be farely apt at writing, but I never figured that I was good enough to make people understand my feelings just by writing them down. By some wonderful luck (or talent, I don't know what to call it) I am able to though, and I am so grateful for that. For being able to share with all of you the events that unfold in my life...at the moment and in the past.
A lot has happened during the course of "the time of 30.000 visitors". I mean maybe it doesn't seem like a lot for some of you, but for me - who has always had a failry quiet "good girl" kind of life - it is.
I got drunk for the first time. Ha ha I know, I really am that innocent (correction: I was that innocent). It was on the 3rd of april this year...20 years old I got drunk for the first time. I'd had alcohol before, on my graduation and some other times, but never been drunk drunk. Don't know if it's something to "celebrate" or not, but it was a really great night. That night I realized that alcohol is fun (in resonable quantities of course, and - for me - only on the weekends and special occasions). For a good part of my life I'd been scared of acohol, thinking that it's scary because it makes people think less and loose control. I'm such a big control freak, has always been, but that night I learned that it's okay to let go every once in a while...and I think that was good for me.
Speaking of things that was good for me...That same night I kissed a guy for the first time. Well actually I sort of made out with a guy for the first time too. Ha ha...whoops! Stuff like that is known to happen, as someone once said (about another subject, but it's a useful sentence ne?), and I don't regret it at all...Or I should say I didn't regret it back then. I still don't of course, it's just I don't think about it anymore because it was a long time ago. The person that kissed me wasn't one I had a relationship with, he was just a classmate (I know I know, it's something about me and classmates >_<), but that doesn't matter to me. Sure he will always have a special place in my heart (I don't think he knows that though), because I cherish that night as the first one when I felt desired...but I never wanted anything more from him than some affection in that precise moment. Which is what I got...and so I was quite pleased (not so pleased with the aftermath of this whole thing, but that's a terribly long story - that had almost nothing to with the incident itself and all to do with me - that you can find in another post).
Hm...what's happened more..? Oh yeah this:
I picked a direction in my life. Or something like that. Picking a direction sounds a little serious, but I guess you can (sort of) say that it was what I did. My first year at the university I studied history, which I loved and don't regret at all, but it didn't really lead me anywhere. It's not an easy thing making a carreer from that standpoint, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to either..so I had to go in a different direction. Which my mother (who I think just wanted me to stop playing around, even though she didn't say so out loud) was more than happy to help with. And that's how I ended up studying Behavioral Science, which is what I'm going to do until 2012. It feels secure to have a way to travel on, at least for a little while longer, so I'm really thankful to my mother for steering me a little (I need that, I'm to shattered on my own). Will I work as a behavioral scientist when I'm finished? ...Who the hell knows, but at the moment that's not what's important. At the momet I'm just happy doing somehthing with substance.
Oh and this last one (I couldn't think of more, even though I'm sure there are loads) some of you know about. It's a very recent development, and the post that told you was family only, but now I'm saying it here...dunno why I'm a lot more open all off a sudden, but...Well no matter, I suppose I'll be a bit exhibitionistic and just tell you. During this, "the time of 30.000 visitors", I also slept with a guy for the first time. Yup. And here's the kicker: He's a classmate too. And nope, he's not someone I have a relationship with either. Just as the one that got my first kiss this guy was someone that just happened to be there in that moment. There was alcohol in the picture once again, but not a lot, and it's not something I regret either (there's no use in regretting things, you can't take them back anyway). He's a good guy, it's not weird between us (*and we used a condom so it was safe*) and he is cute. And I'm sorry but I'm quite visually oriented so this last thing is important to me. You want them to be nice to look at. I mean honestly, the ones that says that it's only personality that's important are lying. Of course you want a good personality too, but...well you all know what I mean (right?).
So there you go. The innocent girl that started this blog isn't gone, but she sure has changed quite a lot. I would never have thought this about myself when I moved down here last year...I never figured that I was a person capable of this much development (yeah I'm going to call it development instead of change, because that's what I think it is)...but apparently I was. He he...and I love it.
Oyasuminasai mina-san! (^ _ ^) Matane!
Last week was....I suppose we could call it strange. He he, I know it might be a little difficult to imagine what I mean when I say that, but that's because I don't really know myself.
Perhaps I shouldn't have brought it up then? Oh well now I have so I might as well go with it.
I don't know what was with me last week. It might have been the weather, I have a hard time with rain (dunno why, I always had), or it might have been that I didn't try hard enough to keep myself busy (I've also always had a hard time with being to free, no matter how weird that sounds). No matter what it was last week wasn't fun at all, I was bored wich lead to me eating to much, which in turn made me feel worse...a vicious circle if you will.
Today is Monday though. I've been on a power-walk, talked to my mother and had a healthy breakfast and I feel a lot better already. This is going to be a good week, I'm going to make it a good week.
Even though I only have 1200 Swedish Crowns left on my account (about 170 USD) and it's 18 days until new money comes and I have no classes until Friday so I will most likely be bored out of my mind from time to time I still have a good feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Because the sun shines outside my window.
It's windy but it's a good autumn day still.
And no matter how much I bitch and moan though, I actually like the autumn, probably most of all the seasons. I wrote this (below) on the subject quite a while back, and I think it explains quite well how I feel about this time of the year:
Also I like autumn because (other than the obvious reason that the trees are beautiful and so on) it's a time to start over. Frankly speaking, of course, that time is New Years Eve, because it's then one year turns into another and everything get's to start over, but for me this time has always been autumn (actually much more so than New Years, which frankly speaking has never been more than a continuation of the Christmas holiday to me).
I think it has to do with the fact that a new school year has always started during the fall (in Sweden we have 2 terms, one starts in August and one after New Years). Since I have gone to school most of my life, this has become when a new year, whith all that it takes with it, stars.Since this is very much true for me, I now look forward to the autumn and a fresh start with the same excited eyes that some people look at New Years. For all my life (or at least since I started scool at 7), there has also been something new starting in the fall. And so will it be this year. Which is why I look outside the window at the summer that's still very much there and whish that the leaves would start turning orange.
As soon as a really great fall day (better than today) comes along I'm going to run out with the camera and take some photos. Because Sweden really is quite beautiful in the fall, and I wan't you guys to see that it is that I love so much.
...And because I need to start to find pleasure in things that doesn't cost anything ^o^, condsidering my economy these days (on that note: don't worry about me though, please, I've put myself in this situation and it's going to be fine, really).
Well, I suppose I'd better get on with my day now. Not that I know exactly what to do with it, but I'll think of something.
I love you guys. You're way to good to me.
Ki o tsukete mina-san. (^ _ ^) Matane.
As you could see by my previous post I was really nervous about my first day in school (which was today, duh! as if you haven't understood that by now). By the time I entered the waiting hall (or w/e you should call it) outside the classroom we were going to be in I had almost convinced myself that I was going to be alone and bullied for three years (which is the duration of the education).
But then people started to talk to each other, and to me. I was soooo relieved. Everyone seemed to be keen on getting to know each other and make connections, which is great for me because then I don't have to feel overly pushy and annoying if I try to talk to someone.
*Smiles* So now I'm sitting here in my pjs watching NCIS (ha ha, NCIS became The Mentalist as I finished the post, double ha ha, I gave up watching The Mentalist as I finished this post) and I'm feeling good.
Nope, I'm feeling great actually ^_^. I survived the first day and with it it got to meet some really nice people in the process.
I'm so ready for it to start for real now! Last year was wonderful, I don't regret any part of the choice to study history, but it wasn't a whole lot to do during some periods. This time it's for real, and I'm prepared...
...*Yawn* prepared and a little sleepy. I didn't sleep so good this past night I guess (nerves, they always play tricks on you).
Tomorrow we'll meet in a park in city to play "brännboll" (it's sort of like baseball but not nearly as complicated and serious, more of a game than a sport). He he, it sounds silly and very un-serious, but it's to make us all get to know each other better (like a bonding exercise or something like that). Honestly it's not really my thing, but still I think it could be fun. Just hope that the weather is good ^o^
Ki o tsukete mina-san! (^ _ ^) Matane!
It's aaaaalll good now, all the bad feelings from last night are gone (I tried to take a picture of myself smiling for further assurance, but well since I don't have any makeup and messy hair that didn't turn out to well...might have had the opposite effect to be honest >_<). Truly, it's a good morning...9.38 in the morning in case someone was curious.
~* I've been on a power-walk and now I'm having breakfast *~
Coffee (black, that's the only way I drink it) and porridge that I made following a recipe in my GI cookbook (GI is sort of like Atkins but not as strict, it's not a diet per say but more an instrument to eat a little healthier). It's not the funniest breakfast I've ever eaten (not by a long shot) but it tastes fairly decent and it's good for me so..
Oh and when I write this I'm listening to Wonder Girl's song "Nobody". As with so much of the music I'm listening to I don't understand a single word of it (Korean is even less understandable than Japanese, of which I at least know a little) but I like it anyway because it has a nice sound to it...and after all that's a big part of music, ne?
~* I like this song too, it's called "So Hot" *~
I just recently discovered this group, because it came up on the "Recommended for you" thingy on YouTube (arigatou YouTube) but there's something that I really like with their music. It's happy, and I like happy music (that's why I ♥love♥ Arashi so much, they're like the kings of happy music).
Hi hi...anyway I suppose I should start getting ready for the day. Not that I know what I'm going to do with it exactly, but I think I might go in to town for a while...I like looking at people >_<.
Ki o tsukete mina-san! (^ - ^) Matane!
Aaahhh...the first whole day back in Lund.
It's been nice, very nice even ^_^. The weather is pleasant, warm not hot, and it's been almost zero minutes of boredom (ha ha, I said almost...I'm always bored a minute or two at least during the course of a day, that's just who I am).
I have exercised, cooked, read Elle (love that magazine) and been to the store (plus some more domestic type things that I'm not going to bore you with) and now I am (except blogging of course, duh!) painting my nails and watching "Privileged". Oh if I could live that kind of life...
Ha ha! I took this picture when I walked into town (to go to the store, I needed coffee filters) and I must say that I'm just now noticing that I have sort of a weird look >_<...well whatever...
Oh and I almost forgot! ♥I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow!♥
Cut and color, both very well needed at this time...I'm not sure if you can tell in this picture but my hair really isn't in the best condition (neither is the color) so it's about time.
It's one of my favourite things to do you know (you do, ne?)..the other one is reorganizing my book-case (very nerdy I know, but I truly love it). So...YAY!
Anyway, I have a question for you guys: How do you get your Imeem playlist to play the whole songs, not just like the chorus (15 seconds I think it is...incredibly annoying)???
This really is a problem see, because my other playlist (from projectplaylist.com) stopped working..some crap about the music not being authorized in my country or w/e (it was something like that anyway). And I really, really want music on my blog. Really. So HELP. Onegai.
Hm...yeah well I guess that was it. I'm done painting my nails (now I'm just going to try not to mess them up while they dry) and "Privileged" is ending as I type this (I'm going to watch "The mentalist" now, even though it's not the best show ever..because I "have to" watch something).
Ki o tskuete mina-san! (^ _ ^) Matane!
Not so much longer now ♥( ^_^ )♥
It has been a good summer, I would never take back my decision to come to Trollhättan, but I'm sort of grateful that it's over too. For my own as well as my families sake it's a good thing that I am going back home (because here I get bored, which results in a lot of unnecessary fighting).
I'll have to start packing soon, because there is a million things that's going with me back...but that's a problem I'll deal with later (he he, I'm great at pushing things into the future until I absolutely have to take care of them). Packing is boring and I always worry that I have forgotten something, no matter how many times I check (perhaps because I always have...for example this summer I forgot my camera charger...*Baka*).
As for now all I will do is try to go to sleep (emphasis on try, since it's only 11.10 and I usually go to bed a lot later than that) and the rest of it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Ha ha...there's a really consistent theme on the posts today. Don't you just love it???
(Not to worry, I'm not going to make it a regular thing.)
Anyway, it's almost time for me to go to bed now so...
Good night guys ! ^-^
It's been a good day.
The preliminary results just came, and I GOT IN!
I am soooo happy, and relieved.
Now I can breath properly and focus on other things for a while...
(He he, I think you have to read the previous post to understand this one.)
Celebration is in order!
...I am just not sure what kind, or with whom. But I will work that out, because I GOT IN!
Ha ha, life's good at the moment. I mean it's pouring rain outside and all my friends seem to be to busy for me, but till things are great.
*Smiles* It was a long time since I felt pleased with myself like this.
So I will get back to feeling smugged now.
Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane!
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