179 posts tagged “life”

Sure I fill my days with more serious studies, I live on my own and do things like wash and buy groceries and pay bills and I entertain myself with adult things like alcohol and staying out all night (well not all night, but you get the picture right?)...

...but still I feel so much more like a child than I did back when I was like 14-15-16.

Does that sound strange?
Well I know that it might, so I'll explain it to you (or I'll attempt to at least...)

Back then (when I was 14-16, or something like that), everything was terribly serious. I took myself very seriously, my studies was the world I lived in and every acting silly or showing a potentially quirky side was out of the picture. Because it was so important to be the good one, the one that had it all figured out and that you could go to with all academic questions...In my school I was the head of the student council and a member or the board for school issues together with teachers and the headmaster.

And I thought I had it all figured out. I knew what my opinion was on most important issues, I had an idea of the world; of what you did and didn't do, of what I did and didn't do. It all seemed to be in order, I figured that I pretty much knew how things worked. I was controlled and ordered and would probably have taken care of a "household" (if you can call it that when it's just me) in a much more organized way than I do now.

I am happy that I was like that then. There is no part in my life that I would take back, because every single moment has taught me something and above all every single moment has taken me to where I am now. But being like that then makes it that much clearer how different it is from who I am now.

That girl didn't play like I do now. That girl didn't laugh at silly things in the same way or say stuff that might sound stupid just because she didn't think before she opened her mouth. She didn't let herself being ecstatic because she saw a hare in the grass when she was on a walk or smile even though a test might not have went exactly as great as she hoped.

It took some time but I know now that it's fine to not be the best all the time. I still hate it a little but I have learned not to let it get to me, to be more free.

To be more like a child, not worrying about things so much. There is a tomorrow for some things, sometimes it's all right to just be in the moment and not obsess about everything that should be or that isn't. It's not a weakness to let someone else be better or to let people see you for the one you really are. It makes me happy to be open and talkative and sometimes say downright odd or dumb things, and I know now that it's fine if people see that. You don't have to be serious and smart all the time.

So there you pretty much have it. I hope I have been able to explain it to someone. That this is why I think I am More of a Child now than I was when I was younger.

Because I can be effortlessly happy.

I can be myself in the moment. 

And when it happens it's a joy of someone much more innocent.

Or really over 30.000 even, because I had to get a new visitors counter when the last one hit 10.000 (because I managed to get one that only had 4 digits). There's a lot of blogs out there that has higher counts than that, heck there's a lot of blogs out there thas has higher counts than that a day, but for me...it's a a high number. I mean it's 30 thousand hits (!), 30 thousand individual humans (or sorts of, some of you come back of course) that klick on my blog to read my thoughts about life, love, school, music, movies and other random-ness.

When I started blogging (quite a few) years back, I never thought that so much people would be interested in what's happening in my life. I've never really thought about myself as an interesting person. Not boring perhaps, I'm much to strange to be boring, but not really anything special enough to read about. My life is the one of an ordinairy teenager (well not a teenager anymore, but it was when I started), nothing I say or do is remotely special compared to some people that I know (or know of). Sure I consider myself to be farely apt at writing, but I never figured that I was good enough to make people understand my feelings just by writing them down. By some wonderful luck (or talent, I don't know what to call it) I am able to though, and I am so grateful for that. For being able to share with all of you the events that unfold in my life...at the moment and in the past.

A lot has happened during the course of "the time of 30.000 visitors". I mean maybe it doesn't seem like a lot for some of you, but for me - who has always had a failry quiet "good girl" kind of life - it is.

I got drunk for the first time. Ha ha I know, I really am that innocent (correction: I was that innocent). It was on the 3rd of april this year...20 years old I got drunk for the first time. I'd had alcohol before, on my graduation and some other times, but never been drunk drunk. Don't know if it's something to "celebrate" or not, but it was a really great night. That night I realized that alcohol is fun (in resonable quantities of course, and - for me - only on the weekends and special occasions). For a good part of my life I'd been scared of acohol, thinking that it's scary because it makes people think less and loose control. I'm such a big control freak, has always been, but that night I learned that it's okay to let go every once in a while...and I think that was good for me.

Speaking of things that was good for me...That same night I kissed a guy for the first time. Well actually I sort of made out with a guy for the first time too. Ha ha...whoops! Stuff like that is known to happen, as someone once said (about another subject, but it's a useful sentence ne?), and I don't regret it at all...Or I should say I didn't regret it back then. I still don't of course, it's just I don't think about it anymore because it was a long time ago. The person that kissed me wasn't one I had a relationship with, he was just a classmate (I know I know, it's something about me and classmates >_<), but that doesn't matter to me. Sure he will always have a special place in my heart (I don't think he knows that though), because I cherish that night as the first one when I felt desired...but I never wanted anything more from him than some affection in that precise moment. Which is what I got...and so I was quite pleased (not so pleased with the aftermath of this whole thing, but that's a terribly long story - that had almost nothing to with the incident itself and all to do with me - that you can find in another post).

Hm...what's happened more..? Oh yeah this:

I picked a direction in my life. Or something like that. Picking a direction sounds a little serious, but I guess you can (sort of) say that it was what I did. My first year at the university I studied history, which I loved and don't regret at all, but it didn't really lead me anywhere. It's not an easy thing making a carreer from that standpoint, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to either..so I had to go in a different direction. Which my mother (who I think just wanted me to stop playing around, even though she didn't say so out loud) was more than happy to help with. And that's how I ended up studying Behavioral Science, which is what I'm going to do until 2012. It feels secure to have a way to travel on, at least for a little while longer, so I'm really thankful to my mother for steering me a little (I need that, I'm to shattered on my own). Will I work as a behavioral scientist when I'm finished? ...Who the hell knows, but at the moment that's not what's important. At the momet I'm just happy doing somehthing with substance.

Oh and this last one (I couldn't think of more, even though I'm sure there are loads) some of you know about. It's a very recent development, and the post that told you was family only, but now I'm saying it here...dunno why I'm a lot more open all off a sudden, but...Well no matter, I suppose I'll be a bit exhibitionistic and just tell you. During this, "the time of 30.000 visitors", I also slept with a guy for the first time. Yup. And here's the kicker: He's a classmate too. And nope, he's not someone I have a relationship with either. Just as the one that got my first kiss this guy was someone that just happened to be there in that moment. There was alcohol in the picture once again, but not a lot, and it's not something I regret either (there's no use in regretting things, you can't take them back anyway). He's a good guy, it's not weird between us (*and we used a condom so it was safe*) and he is cute. And I'm sorry but I'm quite visually oriented so this last thing is important to me. You want them to be nice to look at. I mean honestly, the ones that says that it's only personality that's important are lying. Of course you want a good personality too, but...well you all know what I mean (right?).      

So there you go. The innocent girl that started this blog isn't gone, but she sure has changed quite a lot. I would never have thought this about myself when I moved down here last year...I never figured that I was a person capable of this much development (yeah I'm going to call it development instead of change, because that's what I think it is)...but apparently I was. He he...and I love it.

Oyasuminasai mina-san! (^ _ ^) Matane!

Did you ever run away from home?

Nope. Nor did I get lost in the supermarket or leave for a friends house without telling my parents (the latter might be in the "run away" category though..)..or anything in that would even remotely fit into this group actually.

I have always been a very cautious person, never doing things that would put me at risk (which running away from home would, hence: I never did). In fact V. (the guy from my class that gave me my very first kiss) used to tease me (in a nice way though) saying that I'm afraid of everything.
One night walking home from being out (he followed me because I don't care to walk home) I told him that I like walking in the dark, but then I don't dare to because there's so much that can happen. Then he laughed and said just this..that I'm scared of everything..My reply to him was that No, I'm not afraid of everything, just everything that's dangerous. He he...I'm quite happy with that reply actually.

Anyways, I'm spacing out. Gome ne about that guys.
I just wanted to make a point and I guess I exaggerated a bit. But you know that I do that's. It's why you keep coming here, ne?

Ki o tsukete mina-san! (^ _ ^) Matane!

So I am still in my parents house in Trollhättan (in case you didn't know that)...I will go back to Lund on the 22nd of August and I can't say that I will be sad to do so. Of course I love to be able to spend time with my family and all, but the stillness of this place is getting on my nerves. In short (he he, as you very well know), I'm bored. That's why I'm very much looking forward to coming back to it, my own place and the world that is just mine.
But anyway...that's now what this post was going to be about (believe it or not >_<). 

JD

I'm currently at home with my youngest sister (Stina, 13 years old...gosh! when did she get so big). We're watching Scrubs, season 6 (S has the box, she has a lot of dvd-boxes), because there's not a whole lot else to do. It's only 11.49 a.m here though, so I figure that it's okay to be lazy for a while...after all I was out walking this morning so I have exercised a little today already.

(^ _ ^) I really love the charachter J.D (Zach Braff). Soooooo funny...and I can see a lot of my own confused self in him too. Have you seen Scrubs? Because otherwise I guess this doesn't make a whole lot of sense at all...:P

He he...I'm going to cook dinner today (congrats Stina); we'll see how that works out. As you know (ne?) I'm not the best in the kitchen...or at any other of the classic "female" stuff (washing, cleaning, sewing...and so on and so on) either for that matter. The poor poor guy that marries me one day will hopefully have enough money to hire a maid...because if not our house will be a mess.

Yup. That's basically true. Okay so perhaps I can clean and cook and such, but I don't find any pleasure in doing household shores. I'm just not that kind of girl. Gome gome all future guys that thinks I am...

*Sigh* 3 months vacation is a little too long for me. Next year I will have to get a job or something, just to keep myself busy. But well now it's almost over and I can go back to bitching about school instead (because we all know that I will). Yay! And I am getting a haircut (and color) on the 24th, which I am very much looking forward too (as always, because you know how much I love fixing my hair). Not that I hate it the way it is now, but it is a little long and an update is never wrong....

As I say to my mother when she complains about my spending habits, "it costs to be on top *big smile*". Ne?

Ki o tsukete mina-san! (^ - ^) Matane!

10.15 p.m. Today has been a really nice day (even though it started at 7 this morning >-<, which frankly is a little early for me). I've been in Gothenburg with my father and one of my sisters (the "older"/18 years old one) and we had a great time looking in stores and just walking around (we walked far I could tell you, far, my feet are exhausted). The weather was nice and except for like half an hour before we went home there wasn't at all too much people (I mean there were a lot of people, but not too many)...

Still I feel kind of unbalanced, if you know what I mean..?

Why? I have absolutely no idea to be honest (there's kicker, "I have no idea" seem to be somewhat a theme lately). It sort of started with the realization that there are almost no money left on my account (which I knew before - even though I have no idea where they went - but I suppose it hit me just now or something), and sort of escalated from there...

Frustration is a part of it I think (at least that'd be a resonable conclusion). I have gone to long without something to do, I need school (or work or something) to keep me busy and at least relatively balanced. This place, the house I grew up in and the people that has always been here, is in many ways the best place in the world to me (because there are so many happy memories here), but it's suddenly way to small. The same streets, the same people and the same conversations...it just isn't enough anymore. Lund isn't a whole lot bigger of course, but at least it's new, and I can't help but to miss it (even though this makes me feel a little bad, because it might seem like I want away from my family even though that's not it at all). 

I'm bored, that's the gist of it I guess. And I'm not good at being bored. Also since there is no money left I can't even buy away the boredom, which is what I usually do. It's the most materialistic way ever of doing it, I know that, but it works for me so I don't care.

As I said though, now that alternative is out the window. Which leaves me broke (almost at least, there is some money left, but it's very little and I have to buy a birthday gift for my friend befor I totally run out) and restless beyond my wits. I'm trying to exercise to keep myself busy, and this is good for a little while (and in the long run for my health of course), but after a few hours I am just as bored again. Seriously I don't know how others do this, just walk around without any money or anything to do, for a longer period. They must be very different from me, because I would go crazy. Heck sometimes I think I even am already.

Smiling then wanting to cry the next second, laughing then wanting to hit someone a moment later. Gees this isn't a good way to be, it's to much up and down even for me (who tend to have a quite "hectic" emotional life most of the time).
Or perhaps I could blame it all on PMT...? (Too much information ne? I know gomen ne about that) Hm...or on second though, I don't think it's all that. 

Whatever the reason though, I have to snap out of it. Because as usual I am taking my bad mood out on whoever is in reach, and that's really not fair to my family. They haven't done anything (most of the time) and it's not their fault that I have spent all my money on whatever. I get this now as I am sitting here in my dark room with the computer in my lap, but when I feel the most annoyed it doesn't seem to matter. It's not so far away for me to let my emotions govern my behaviour, and even though it's not something I like to admit this is probably something I need to work on. 

Honestly I don't like writing these kind of posts (even though it might seem like that since they're present quite often), because I feel like I might exaggerate the matter; but sometimes I can't help myself. It's dark and I feel down and I have to bitch to someone, so as usual it's you guys that'll have to take it. 11.22 p.m. Sorry about that too.

Kurosagi

 "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone."

I miss having something to do during the days, to come home feeling like I have accomplished something. 
I miss getting to know new people and to learn new things.
I miss stressing out about tests and the relieve I feel when it's turned out well.
I miss the buildings, the books and the over all atmosphere of the university.
Hell I even miss getting up really early in the morning and hating it (because even though I choose to do it, I am so not loving mornings).

I need the University to keep my sanity, and I am looking forward to the start of term more than most things rigth now. Becuse of all the reasons above, and because I think too much when I have a lot of time on my hands (thinking is good, thinking too much is shitty). So I need to, and like to, be occupied. See I relax the best when I have a lot of stuff to do (procastination is my favourite thing as you must know by now), when I have nothing I just get bored.

It's just how I work. Odd perhaps..I don't know, but it's a part of my charm. If I (somtime in a distant future when I'm all "grown up") get a job that I really like, I could work a lot. And then I mean a lot. 

That's the kind of person I am. If I think that something is important, fun, interesting..or such, I spend a lot of time with it. School has always been all tree of these for me, even though of course it has been harder during some periods, and so I have worked hard to achieve what I have wanted out of it (that being the higest grades possible).
A little older, and perhaps a tad whiser, I am now a lot calmer (yes, this is calm) about it than I once was (a teacher once told me that I would have to watch so that I didn't get burnt out), but it's still a huge thing in my life. Being smart has always been my thing (my 18 year old sister is the beautiful one, I am the smart one, and the 13 year old is..the young one I guess), so it's natural for me to strive for these things.

School is where I belong. It's where I exceed, where I feel confident and in control, it's my natural habitat.
If you felt like that about a place, you would want to get back there too, ne?  

When is okay to lie?

• When you want to surprise someone - Like with birthday presents or such things. Because then it's only a white lie (most of them are after all), and it's to make a person happy. So it's fine.
• To spare someones feelings - Sometimes people don't need you to tell the absolute truth, to keep a good relationship with someone it's better to lie a little every once in a while (although this can blow up in your face, so you have to be careful with it).
• To not make your parents nervous - "No I didn't drink that much"/ "Yes I am fine, I'm not alone at all"/"Sure I have enough money to get by"...stuff like that.
• When it's easier - Okay not telling the whole truth to people that you don't know and might not meet ever again might not be considered a flat out lie, but it's in that neighbourhood. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to tell it all to people. 

(There might be a few more occasions when it's okay, but I can't think of them at the moment.)
As you might understand I am not a stranger to a lie now and then. I think that it's basically always fine, as long as you don't hurt anyone or in any other way cause trouble. He he...it's also fine to lie to look after yourself. After all, I am the most important person in my life (I know how it sounds, but it's how I see it).

And that was all I had to say for now...

Take care! (^ - ^) Matane!

I don't really like it when it's too hot (duh!, you all got that a while ago I guess, when I bitched about it here on the blog...because you simply have to bitch about everything here), because I feel sweaty and unfresh and I can't wear as much clothes as I want (I'm not a prude, I just have a lot of body issues).
But I don't care for it being very cold eather. Sure the clothes are nice and cosy and all, but it's not that fun to be outside when it's like minus 10-15 degrees Celsius outside - which it is often enough during the Swedish winter - and you can't really stay in all the time.

So this is why I like autumn (and spring, but this post isn't about that so..). Because it's just cold enough so that you can use cardigans and such (maybe a thin jacket), but still not so freeezing that you feel like staying inside as much as possible. And the clothes are nice....not to mention the shoes! I love autumn shoes. 

Also I like autumn because (other than the obvious reason that the trees are beautiful and so on) it's a time to start over. Frankly speaking, of course, that time is New Years Eve, because it's then one year turns into another and everything get's to start over, but for me this time has always been autumn (actually much more so than New Years, which frankly speaking has never been more than a continuation of the Christmas holiday to me).
I think it has to do with the fact that a new school year has always started during the fall (in Sweden we have 2 terms, one starts in August and one after New Years). Since I have gone to school most of my life, this has become when a new year, whith all that it takes with it, stars.

Since this is very much true for me, I now look forward to the autumn and a fresh start with the same excited eyes that some people look at New Years. For all my life (or at least since I started scool at 7), there has also been something new starting in the fall. And so will it be this year. Which is why I loom outside the window at the summer that's still very much there and whish that the leaves would start turning orange.

I love to be in my parents house (which is where I am staying until the end of August, living for free you know), of course I do, but still I miss school, my appartment and Lund...in short the life I built there. No matter how much I bitch and moan about it, I love to study. It's where I belong, one of the few places where I feel like I know what I am doing, and I always have something to do.
See I am a person that needs to do things almost all the time, I get bored very quickly and that never takes with it anything positive. Which is another reason for missing school and my own place. Sure I got bored a lot there too, but I think that'll change now (since this course that I'm going to take probably will make me work harder than the last), and I love that.

Anyways...I guess all that I really wanted to say was that even though I am happy at the moment (for sure, that's not just something I'm saying) a part of me long for the autumn...He he, and that was it I think.

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane!  

(Forgive me, but sometimes you just have to write the totally pointless "look what I bought"-posts.)

I suspect that you all know by now that I didn't get a job for the summer, and that I because of this is quite (or rather - in my own opinion - very) poor. Hence I haven't had the chance to buy a whole lot of new clothes for the fall (or the summer either for that matter...of course). Since I am a girl, and a particularly materialistic one of such, this has been quite hard for me. 

This is why I am pleased to tell you that today the crisis (being me going crazy an buying clothes for all my savings account) was averted (at least for a while). My parents payed for a little addition to my closet (which I must say is way to small now days). Wanna know what I got? Well this is it:

Dress

Kawaii ne?

I thought so at least ^ - ^

Being like I am (and by this I mean having tons of issues with my body and such) I am going to wear it with leggins or something like that, but it goes just as well with bare legs (preferebly a little more tanned than mine, which are white).

It's 1 size (or in some cases, even 2) smaller than I usuall have, so I am very pleased with that.

Dresses (and tunics) are my favourite thing to wear. Because it's comfortable, and it makes me feel all girly and cute.

Pants

I usually don't like chinos, but these were nice. And also (and this is very important when it comes to me and pants), they were very comfortable.

Beige is a practical color, because it goes with a lot of other colors and because it looks classy (I think at least).

There was quite a long period (like a year, maybe more) when I didn't use pants at all. See nothing really felt comfortable and I didn't like the way I looked in them. So I always had leggins and tunics, which is very nice (still - as I said - what I like the most) but a little limiting.

Therefore I am re-learning to use pants. Ganbatte me! He he.

Knitted

It's oversized, I'm not sure if it really shows properly in this picture...

Anyway, it will be really nice with a pair of skinny dark jeans (I have a pair, I just don't use them very often), I think.

Plus it's really soft, so it'll be very nice to wear whence the Swedish autumn/winter creeps up on us.

Also there is a garment that I got another day (that I really like) that I thought that I'd show you:

Jacket

This is oversized as well (it's very "now" you know, he he) and I think I'll be able to use it both inside and as a "jacket" when it gets a little colder outside (which'll happen very soon if I know this country).

I had to do housework to pay thisone off, and I can teell you that I think I did a lot more work than the worth of the jacket.

Anyways. This post has been sponsored by H&M and Gina tricot. Ha ha, or not. But wouldn't that have been great?

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Matane!